walking in these shoes

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

i'm not real sure what exactly is thicker the cloud of smoke or cloud of confusion in my mind
im not really living anymore just kinda getting by
i think im forcing myself into alcoholism
its the only time i dont feel the weight behind my issues
can u believe ive only had this computer a week and i think i already need duster
zoning out on the moniter taking an occasional drag
this neglet allows my cigarette to just go ahead and ash between my keys
god damnit
i found out im hypoglaseemic
im pretty sure im way off on the spelling of that
shows how much i know about another title that has been placed on my head
all i know is that i should eat a small meal every so often to avoid shaky hands
still no word from him
pile on the problems
i have to catsit for a week for my neighbor
i hate cats
i have no idea how i still have a home
i dont pay rent
i have a puddle of sewage in my front yard that my landlord dug up and never filled back in
i have 2 holes in my fuckin ceiling and when the lady upstairs takes a shower i know what kind of bodywash she used
also not to mention the fucking mold growing in my air vents
but i'm expected to pay 500 a month for this place
the lawyer said i pay 500 a month for the brochure i saw when i signed the lease not for mold,shit and piss, and holes
let them evict me
i need a shower

Monday, January 23, 2006

ok so i havent seen him since like thursday
i call him today and he bitches at me for leaving marks on him says she was asking questions says he will come by later
i apologizing for calling...afterall, i'm feeling really fucking stupid at this point
he notices my change in attitude and changes his too
as if he's suddenly sorry he mentioned it
it's about time he knows that i'm very aware of my worth and he's not acting as if he is
sucks for him but i'm not fucking stupid
all or nothing

Friday, January 20, 2006

ok so yea he didnt even come by today.....guess she was off work......
i've been thinking about it and it's almost like im a home wrecker
granted they arent married and he doesnt love her or at least he tells me he doesnt
but still when it all boils down to it they are together and i do know that and that alone is something very disrespectful
even if i did love him first and had him first
so i cleaned my house and made baked chicken for my friends and i
thats that
now tonight im gonna get drunk as shit

Thursday, January 19, 2006

ok so we had sex........yea i know.
how horrible of me.....not really horrible but definitley not an intelligent decision
i'm really incredible at making the bad decisions.
ofcourse he loves me and everything is gonna be ok type shit
do i regret it?
that's the question i've been asking myself.
whatever the come out may be at least i will know
ofcourse it has confused me even more than before
i dont even know what to think, what to feel, what to say anymore.
it doesn't even hurt to cry anymore if that makes sense.
yea....i get the good sex that last for hours each day but in the end he sleeps in her bed so in a sense who exactly wins
im left here with the smell of him on my skin and the thoughts in my head and all the desire and a sexed in bed and nothing more

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

can u believe he just wanted to say hello and buy me a milkshake
i'm sitting here completely in love with tears in my eyes and he is bringing me a milkshake in her car.
he says he's unhappy....not to mention it has been made very clear by him he is only using her for her convenience anyway.
he says she isnt adventurous. she's content "inside the box"
have u ever been able to look someone in the eyes and despite all of their actions you are still able to see that they do love you....
however, maybe it's just a mock of sarcasm......maybe we try to subconsiously make ourselves "see" the love for us in their eyes in order to make it a lil more comfortable in our situation
whatever it may be i swear i see in his eyes that he loves me.
actions speak very loudly
but his eyes are so soft.
fuckin asshole